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Chronicle of the NonPop Revolution
Operation TIPS, or the Terrorist Information and Prevention System, is the FBI's latest civil liberties erosion toy. Concocted by an attorney general who spoke on the condition of anonymity, the program will recruit thirty million volunteers to act as spies and informants against their neighbors. All suspicious--and, therefore, potentially terrorist-related--activities will be reported to the Office of Homemaker Security, which will forthwith dispatch agents to dispatch the suspects. Members of Congress, who were last seen being asked to submit to FBI-administered polygraph tests, are naturally a tad skittish over this latest assault on the 18th Amendment of the US Constitution. But they're not alone. A contributor to a certain radio program, me, is also just a bit apprehensive. Here's why.
On the same day that Tuvalu gained independence from Britain, I granted independence to "Suspenders," a composition that featured translations of elastic trouser strap-related texts into half a dozen foreign languages. And now, 291 months later, thanks to, in my opinion, pure and simple coincidence, these languages--Italian, French, Spanish, German, Japanese and Hungarian--reside at the top of the US military's Axis of Evil list. An undercover federal agent disguised as a shoehorn with an overactive thyroid gland recently showed me alternative translations that he said were pure and simple seditious. He threatened to take me into custody for questioning unless I paid him thirty dollars. I negotiated the figure down to fifteen, but I suspect he'll be back for another monetary helping. He also warned me to not make this information public, so I'm somewhat complying by using this obscure carrier wave to inform you, our listening audient, of the situation. Here’s the original foreign language text, my translation, and the government's recontextualization. Do they smack of terrorism? You be the judge.
Italian: Canterò circa le bretelle. Mio zio non è un cammello. Tu sei uno certriol--la vostra testa è coś piena di formaggio!
French: Les chameaux ne mangent pas de jarretelles parce qu'il leurs font avoir soif.
Spanish: Mi camello es enfermo, pero cómo es sus ligas? O son buenas. Cupieron mejor que el queso.
German: Hosenträger sind grösser als Gamaschen aber nicht so groß wie das Kamel.
Japanese: Moshi watashi ni akai zubonturi ga arimashi tara watashi wa rakuda wa hitu yo arimasen.
Hungarian: Joban szeretem a nadrak husomat mind a puposhatas tehent. Az en angyum szereti a turat nem szereti a puposhatas tehent.
In my judgment, the only irrational thinker here is the government. If you agree, why not ring up Kalvos & Damian's New Music Bazaar--this 374th episode would be a fine time to do so--and register your support! The telephone number is mnemonically known as GLIPSOB, which a different controlling body has translated to mean a group of insurgents bent on wresting control of a radio station away from its rightful feudal proprietors, but that's another story. For a still different story, we turn to the head cheeseball of the 2:30 to 4:30 musical marketplace, Kalvos.