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Chronicle of the NonPop Revolution

Andrew Schulze

Older Essays & Photos

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Andrew Schulze

Essay for "Muppets Revisited -- Teletubbies Regurgitated", an essay.
Essay for "Hit Me Baby One More Time", an essay.
Essay for "The Three R's", an essay.
Essay for "Snowflake: A Theory of Composition", an essay.
Essay for More Not-So-Scholarly Writings
Score for Score page image: Phoenix Sonata: Scorpio and Capricorn
for Full-size publicity photo of the composer (right-click and save as... to download). Credit to Josh Whitcomb
for another Full-size publicity photo of the composer (right-click and save as... to download). Credit to Josh Whitcomb

The Earlier Drew

After my brief vacation during the February issue of the Observer, my mailbox quickly filled with dozens of hastily assembled cut-and-paste ransom notes from my more radical fans. I'd like to take this opportunity to thank all of them for their support, and Harry Potter stationery.

It was nice to feel missed.

It was suggested that I interview someone in this issue.

"That's a great idea," I thought to myself.

"But who are you going to interview?" my self asked.

"That's a good question," I responded.

I shared this dilemma with my friends at the dinner table one evening. I asked if any of them would allow me to interview them. They said no. Then I asked a few of the Kline Ladies, but they all turned me down, too. I even asked Mike Morini, but he was making out with some girl, and said that he was too busy anyway.

My friend, and lover, Britney Spears, suggested that I interview someone I hadn't spoken to before, while reminding me that I should probably interview somebody interesting. I looked around Kline. Although I did see plenty of people I'd never talked to, none of them looked particularly interesting. Except for hairstyles. I gazed back down at my tofu dogs and vegetable medley.

"I don't know anyone that's interesting enough to interview," I told myself.

"Hey, I take offence at that," I retorted.

Cue the flash of brilliance.

I shared my idea with everyone at the table. They all groaned. But as they groaned, I made the necessary arrangements with myself to interview myself later that evening. I thought it was a great idea. And so did I.

When I returned to my room, I made my selves comfortable. I got a ginger ale, and dimmed the lights. I put on some Prokofiev, and took out a pen and some paper. What followed was magical.

Here it is.

DREW: "Tell the Observer a little bit about yourself, Drew."
DREW: "Well, I'm 6'4", and I have grey eyes. I like long walks on the beach...
DREW: "I meant tell us about your background."
DREW: "Oh, I see. My name is Drew Schulze, I'm a sophomore, and I study music. I'm twenty years old, and I'm from a small town in Vermont."
DREW: "How is your semester going?"
DREW: "I'm very busy. Between going to class, going to work, and going around potholes the size of New Mexico, I don't have too much free time."
DREW: "You've noticed the potholes?"
DREW: "Not at first, but yesterday I drove through several in succession, and as I looked in my rearview, I saw hairy little gnomes pop out of every pothole I had run over. Then the five of them angrily darted after my car."
DREW: "What did you do?"
DREW: "Well, I turned around by the Campus Center, and faced the way the way that I had came. I revved the engine, and the gnomes scurried back into their holes. Then I floored it, and sped over the dirt road trying to hit as many of the cunning little bastards as I could, so that they wouldn't be able to alarm any other motorists. It reminded me of Whack-A-Mole."
DREW: "Are you seeing anyone right now?"
DREW: "No."
DREW: "Really?"
DREW: "I know, can you believe it?"
DREW: "That's amazing! I would have thought that a funny, decent looking, bathe-every-day kind of guy like you would have had to fight the girls off with a large stick. That's odd. How are the ladies treating you, anyway?"
DREW: "I became ‘officially just friends' with someone a few weeks ago."
DREW: "How was that?"
DREW: "I thought it ‘officially just sucked.'.
DREW: "That's rough, man. How did you spend February 14th, then?"
DREW: "Let's just say I was my own Valentine, if you know what I mean."

It should be noted that this was not my entire interview with Drew. There were spans of ten to fifteen minutes when he would ramble on and on about Natalie Portman, and how she evokes in him an uncontrollable desire to play spin the bottle.

He also talked about Mike Morini a lot.

In interviewing myself, I learned some things about myself that I never knew. While refreshing my memory of my own favorite colors and lucky numbers, I also had to handle much harder questions from Drew. Never before had I contemplated the existence of the gnomes in the potholes, or given serious thought to which Spice Girl I'd most like to see naked.

I believe it was Carl Jung who said that the most terrifying thing in the world is to accept oneself completely. This is very true. After interviewing myself, I was surprised that I found out as much about myself as I did. I was also surprised to find that I didn't have a girlfriend. I was also surprised that it took Drew and I forty-five minutes.

I encourage everyone to take the time to ‘interview yourself' some time soon. Ask yourself some questions, and then answer yourself politely. It might seem weird, but you may find answers.

Answers like, "Duh, Posh Spice."

Drew Schulze at K&D Photo Album
Drew Schulze
Ready for Interrogation
Drew Schulze
Kissing the Bust
Drew Schulze
Drew Schulze
Shave 'em!
Drew Schulze in Other Guises
Andrew Schulze
Photo by Josh Whitcomb
Andrew Schulze
Photo by Josh Whitcomb
Andrew Schulze
Photo by Josh Whitcomb